Here goes...

I guess I should back up my claims of this "terrifying" mess with photos.

Let's go on a TOUR! 

I enjoy that someone thought it would be a good idea to:
Once you stumble across the sliiiightly slanted hardwood floors of the dining room (which I couldn't get a good picture of because unfortunately, my camera is my Blackberry) to the back of the house, you arrive in the main floor kitchen. The floors are some kind of mosaic made from what appears to be smashed pieces of countertops. As in, stones (marble, granite, travertine) that were popular as countertop materials back in the 1990s. Obviously, it's super attractive. You may post jealous comments below in the comment section, which is what it is there for. Don't all rush at once.

I kinda wish I'd taken a photo before the inspector whacked down a ton of the goldenrod with his clipboard/sword, but this is still pretty bad. Good thing I like grapes, cause there are a shit ton of them growing on that pergola. Although anything on our property is basically a biohazard at this point.

Downstairs we go! Here we have the bathroom/laundry room/furnace room. It's nice that they left the label on the toilet, even though it appears to have been purchased six years ago. I'm not sure if it is yellowed from age or being in the vicinity of incredibly filthy tenants. Do you also love the unfinished terra cotta tile? Goes with everything, and so my style. Umm...and how bout the fact that you can't really stand up to shower in that jacuzzi (which is resting on sort of a Jenga pile since none of that wood is actually fastened together) because the dryer vent snakes across where your head should go? This is going to be FUN!

OK. Back to that cat Michael Osborne. He was kind enough to leave all of these belongings behind. I kind of thought that maybe when we came to look at the house, he just wasn't finished moving yet...but no, he was...the house next door flooded through that delightfully greeeeeeen wall, so the bottom portion of drywall rotted through. Smells really good! I love a good whiff of mildew, just enough to make my eyes water. Anyway, I guess Mikey left all of his things that got wet in the flood. That was nice of him! Sure, I'll pay to take it to the dump. While I sorted through it today, I found all kinds of cool things, including some really amazing lyrics (he is in a BAND! WOW!) to some songs he wrote about girls and being Jewish. Really? There are songs about that? One day I hope to write a song about being a non-practicing Anglican British-Canadian. People will love it. Michael, if you realize you are missing these treasures, you have till Thursday to retrieve them from the recycling bin out front.

Moving on...That "closet" someone framed in isn't anywhere near deep enough to put a hanger. And I don't know if that stone wall was ever clad in anything, but someone clever has carved an anarchy sign in it below the window. A big one! You can see it just to the left of the curtain that seems to be pointing at it. This house is so pretty, I can hardly stand it.

More furniture! FOR FREE! How did we get so lucky? That is my computer, by the way, the only thing in this entire room that is not going to the dump in the back of my stepdad's truck. I will miss you, futon. You too, Toronto Maple Leafs banner. These tenants? All class.

I also love that an aesthetically astute former owner installed a Home Depot door to the bathroom adjacent to an original closet door. You can't see from here, but they did it upside down so the handle is three feet from the TOP of the door, and just left it the MDF primer coat. It looks really nice. Oh, and the brass handle. Exquisite!

I you love it, or do you love it? The upstairs tenant graciously left us his electric shaver, complete with all the attachments, and some stubble! Also his bottle of Head and Shoulders, and a nice layer of foot grime inside the tub. The toilet is datestamped 1974, which means it is extra efficient, as in, so far the water inside has not stopped running. That sink with the tidy, minimalist plumbing installation is cracked like crazy, so we won't be able to salvage it. Like, I'm afraid if I touch it, it will crack in half and crumble around my feet. But isn't the tilework so fancy? I am in lurve.

The upstairs kitchen! Ooooh, complete with foosball table. I am happy that they did not take this, because now we can spend all our free time wisely. I am gonna see if one of the contractors wants it.

I also love the Portuguese tile, I bet it cost almost sixty cents per square foot. And why not do 1/4" grout lines, who says you should stop at 1/8" anyway? THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX.

I do not want to get into what I found in the fridge, so let's just look at the other side of the kitchen. You may want to situate yourself close to an eye wash station, yes?

Oh no you di'in't paint those cabinets purple! Oh. Yes, yes you did. Those backsplash tiles are a stunning combination of pale pink (not white, in fact, as I had previously thought) and seafoam green. So this blue iris (Pantone's colour of the year, yay!) is just perf. More brass hardware (plastic knobs on the cabinets, of course, painted to match).

Upstairs are two bedrooms that just look like empty white boxes with vinyl tile on the floor, the kind you'd expect to see in a classroom. I'm going to start by painting the floors for now and go from there. 

So this has been day one, got the keys this morning and I'm taking the next few days off work to meet with contractors, etc. Tomorrow: waterproofing!